this is not a longing
of the painful and delicious kind
when love and pain combine
"why are you not mine"
a longing can be turned
to a word, a song, a breath
heard by trees and winds and seas
but this here feels like death
I have a heavy rock
placed instead of heart and gut
pulls my chin, breaks my breath
I'm aching for a cut
My thoughts and dreams were turned
within your twisted truth
you promised me a home to rest
then took it all, no ruth
I was a solid dreamer
no pain could break my hope
though rock you've placed into my heart
has snapped all safety ropes
I never thought I'll walk this path
in fear and pain and horror
all things I took as good and true
I've laid them down in sorrow
How can I ever love again
when all the wells have died
and all the sparks I kept in care
were lost in darkest night
they say I dodged the bullet
no tear be shed for ridding well
spoiled milk that spilled ruthlessly
and brought a taste of hell
the man I loved is poisonous
a toxic blend of charm and ill
a mute to truth and numb to touch
my spine is filled with chills
but love I did and trust I lost
this man, he broke my heart
he took the hope and snapped my mind
how am I to restart?
I pray to all the gods
please grind this rock to sand
I'll do all salty waters
I'll travel all the lands
I need this rock to crumble
and sediment to dust
and exit all my spirits soon
so I can return to trust
and hope will follow trust
and love will follow hope
and slowly they will spin a thread
that makes my safety rope
and once I'm safe and settled
in gut and heart and mind
my flight and fight will flow
and leave the rock behind.
- cut me lose -
Was er sagt soll dich nicht bewegen
Es kann dich berühren oder dich inspirieren
Aber es soll deine Wurzeln nicht zum zittern bringen.
Was er fühlt soll dich nicht beirren
Es kann dich berühren oder dir schmeicheln
Aber es soll deinen Stamm nicht in seine Richtung biegen.
Was er denkt soll dich nicht bezwingen
Es kann dich berühren oder anregen
Aber es soll deine Krone nicht zum brechen bringen.
Wenn du dich gen Sonne streckst und wächst
Berührt sie dich, fliesst durch deine Adern in jede Pore
Dann siehst du selbst, dass du Teil der Sonne bist.
— die Macht der Selbstliebe —
I saw the storm long coming
And thought I will enjoy
The tingling on the windows
The calling of the void
calmly I embraced
A blast so hard it shook
my walls and roof to their foundation
And there the calm was took
Did I, in stupid faith
Believe my house could stand
A storm so strong, so whimsical
It turns all stone to sand?
But I believe in time
And that this storm will pass
And after rain, will come the sun,
- my time to pray and `fess.
Confess that storms don’t frighten
This silly, stupid heart
My house has stood them hurricanes
Some floods and their departs.
Call them burglars, looters, tricksters -
My god I’ve seen them all
And still my house stands strong as ever
my trees stand proud and tall.
I saw your storm long coming
your thunder and your light
And though you caused some havoc here
I said I wouldn’t fight
I wouldn’t shut the door
And windows weren’t covered
In fact I took my seeing glass
the storm, he is my lover.
I saw him tremble, flood and light
The distant and the close
he was confused as where to rest
forgot it's me he chose.
My heart, my house - all open
come in my beloved storm
I know you will live inside me
since that's where you were born.
As if the lovers weren’t enough
The long forgotten
Those who ghosted, hurt and scarred
As if those beings weren’t enough to leave a trace on a wounded heart
And now this muscle aches in spontaneous rhythms
Martin’s work, Rosa’s word, Mama's pains,
Nelson’s time, Anne’s loss - weren’t they enough?
Weren’t they enough to teach that fear is the worst teacher?
Weren’t their arms long enough to hug even the hardest of children?
And children they are
Ripe for a hard lesson to be taught
When the pain becomes too much to bare
I think of healing
And I take pain as my teacher
Soothe soothe soothe
Those words… too harsh - hush
Hush for a moment and remember what’s good
Holding someone’s hand as tight as you can
And raising your fist
Now raise it
Raise it higher
raise it so high you'll feel your shoulders split from the rest of your body
raise your fist so high every muscle in your body - from the thumb clutched against your fingers to your pinky toe on the ground, know that this fist is raised.
And it's then when past lovers are where they belong
and breaking news matter no more.
You are the healer just right now.
Keep fighting. Keep healing.
To all my sisters and brothers.
that weight ain't mine.
You came and dumped on me
and maybe for a while
I took your shit
but that shit ain't mine.
I've been used
but should have charged.
You had no style or thought
but needed therapy
I took your shit
but that shit ain't mine.
They leave me wondering
what little sacrifices
are worth the wait
will be the bait
for my love
Stay there with your issues
your shit ain't mine
that weight ain't mine
I throw of the ballast
and break the shackles.
of course I want to show you my poetry
but you haven't asked.
I have caught you staring at me
trembling in desire or heart twitches
and yet you haven't asked
and it's through these twisted words you'll see me
like through the looking glass
but it seems you don't want to learn and study
the composition of these bones
allow me to expand:
(and this time it won't be a muscle
but 206 unbroken units make a 100 per cent)
watch out for callous knees, loricate through endeavours
nervous fingers, firm hands
and a tongue too quick for its own good.
The weight I carry ain't mine
but has been dumped on me
and I try to shed those old skins
for the peace of mind.
That poetry you read
that's just a thought
I've been slow at times and harsh in others
and honest is mostly the seat I drive
but here you stand
mute in answers
and one cruel chill follows the other
a person deaf for words
will never read a poem
the way a poem should be read
and a heart without room
cannot let me live in it
so this poem ain't for you
that poem ain't fo' nobody.
Now, the first thing to remember - love doesn't get lost.
Love, unlike most things we are taught in school does not wither, crumble or break.
Love is on a constant path of growth, sometimes exponentially and this will make you sometimes feel as if your heart would like to explode.
It will not explode. It is expanding profoundly, moving every set of belief you ever had. It will move walls and ceilings and sometimes tear them open and down.
Do not be afraid when that happens, walls need to be torn down, especially the ones in hearts.
Translated this means that the moment you allow love to live inside you, you will have no choice but to grow.
Love is the one thing that moves through space and time in erratic patterns.
It is now sadly so that our human condition fools us into tying love to a certain space and time. It may be a person, or a memory, and in the worst of cases a set of belief.
Love is so powerful, it stirs up all sorts of unsettling chemicals in our brain. It is so powerful, it overpowers us on a regular basis.
And then, the fools we are, we blame love for actions we later regret. It may then be the right moment to take responsibility and grow in correlation with the love that resides inside.
In the moment we have tied our love to a certain object bound to space and time we most likely forgot that we are only bound to two things: the possibility of growing love and the fact that we live in a river called out of your control.
Out of your control is everywhere. It will flush your insides out and will make you lose friends and objects, it will bring new things to you, it will sometimes let you stay afloat and sometimes make you feel as if you can't go on anymore. One thing the river will not be able to maintain are ties. Ties you made from your heart, where the love you grow resides, to other people or objects, or in the worst of cases a set of belief.
The river, being the good river it is, is well aware of the transience of all that is not love or itself. It is bound to that knowledge.
Sometimes we grow a tie so strong to a person, or a object, or in worst cases a set of belief, that we feel as if we are almost one. Maybe the lines in between those two people, or objects, or in worst of cases set of believes, become so blurry even others fail to distinguish. But they don't fool the river.
The river doesn't do things on purpose, it is a flow, so don't blame it for things that happen to your dislike.
And now, it happens ever so often or rarely that a bond so strong you would have thought lasted forever, snaps. It snaps and throws you into a whirl, it turns you, it loops you, it will make you go dizzy, fuzzy and scared.
And because the flow doesn't go easy on people, you will be fighting for air, you will be shouting on top of your lungs, "why me" and this will leave with you with less oxygen, you will swallow tons of river because all you ever thought was real when you tied your love to someone else, or an object, or in worst of cases a set of belief, is gone, or at least not tied to you anymore.
It is then when you feel incomplete, amputated, lost and scared.
And will you believe me, most of us, have had to go through this once or several times.
But you are not incomplete, amputated, or lost.
You are still where you are, in a vast flow that will carry you to all sorts of wonderful things.
The snapped tie did not mutilate you or amputate your love.
It doesn't matter how long or short the tie, it is always kept highly strung. And now that it has snapped you may feel injured, but think of it like a rubber band that snapped when strung too extreme.
A quick, sharp pain - it's gone. The rubber band is no more.
Now with snapped ties it is very similar, only that we might think and sometimes feel as if the part our tie was attached to was ours.
But nothing is ours but the love we carry and the uniqueness of the way we flow.
Now remember the first thing, love doesn't get lost.
But if you are right now in a moment in time and space, where your tie snapped so hard and you feel incomplete, amputated, lost and scared, remind yourself that the greatest thing is already there.
Maybe your love that tied to a person, an object or in the worst of cases, a set of belief felt like something out of yourself, since you might have felt that your heart was about to explode.
But it was growing inside you, and while doing that it replicated, multiplied and radiated into everything and everyone around you while being just as beautiful and magnificent inside you.
Remember, you heart did not explode.
You are still breathing, which means you are still among us in this wonderful river, and you came to here, to mend the pain that might make you feel like you're drowning.
Now, remember no love gets lost.
But once a tie snaps you need to be tidy. You can't leave those loose ends dangle around, where new and even bigger loves need to grow. They might get tangled up in snapped ties, stunt their growth, crook their path.
Remember, this love might have torn some walls down, it might have lifted the ceiling and allowed you views you didn't know existed before. This is yours. The view, the torn walls, the ceilings higher than you ever imagined. They will not be taken away from you, they are yours.
So now what you do, in order to allow all the small and bigger loves to grow, is to tidy up those snapped ties. Take the snapped ties and search a box for them. We will not throw away this love, because love doesn't get lost, it just changes its name, its tag, its label or its face.
But as long as the sight of a snapped tie hurts you, you need to get this box and carefully fold this tie so it fits perfectly into the box. You will then notice that it is not the love that hurts, it was the tie.
The love was always there, growing steady, explosively, beautifully and what snapped was the tie.
Now, do not label the box with anything bitter or sad. Do not pack yourself into that box. Don't live around that box. Just put it somewhere, not too secret, but certainly not exposed.
See? See how the love feels it can breathe again? That tie was bound to a person, or an object, or in the worst of cases a set of belief, but once it snapped and you boxed the tie, love appears in its original beautiful entity.
Now, this advice is for the ones that feel their tie so harshly snapped it took their breath away. It is for the wounded lovers, the broken hearted, the childless mothers, the motherless children. It is for the waking dreamers, the sleepy walkers, the whispering sounds of stagnation.
Your love was never and will never be lost. Your love is right there where it belongs, in the pulsing, vibrant centre of yourself, growing each second, each moment through time and space. All the love you have accumulated is there to hold up ever growing ceilings, ever crumbling walls, ever expanding horizons.
And maybe you have a room full of boxes filled with dozens, maybe hundreds of ties. But they are just proof of your mesmerizing ability to grow this love.
And when you feel a tie being strung, or about to snap, or you are sitting here with your hands holding your face because the snap was just too harsh, remember.
You cannot lose what grows and radiates so wonderfully inside you.
she cut her hair
and went through the rooms
with a lit candle
saying over and over again
this is a house of love
he mend the broken heart
by showing his true face
letting go was never easier.
short hair looks good on her
loving rooms are peace
there's no need for broken heart no more
human's magic, only lies in fraction by their wit
in grim and grey their sorrows are painted
and low the self esteem is told to fake it
until they make it and boom their light is lit
but inner giants sleep deep nightmarish slumbers
afraid to look and test their limbs on trees and hills
challenge the sun for blisters or glaciers for cold chills
it's their fear of failure that encumbers
but I dare to doubt a giant's fear of waking
it's their mortal human skin, that puts them into sleep
and lingers like a stalker, is awkward like a creep
waiting for the giant's dormant aching to be enough heartbreaking
for their human skin to crumble and uncage this sleeper there
wakes them, shakes them, wants to see the giant stand
and the human is so desperate, it ain't going as they planned
but the giant's illiterate, untrained, unskilled in fight and care
and it is then when human's magic will come into the play
to teach the giant how to stand within a human skin
so sorrows won't be painted in colours of grey and grim
using wise the lessons learnt of life, love and decay
work in progress
So apparently t’is possible and not just a myth
That a man says he loves you when going for a kiss
And his limbs are entangled like a sailor’s knot with yours
T’is later when he rambles “My heart's shifted with a force”
Then your heart feels gripped by sad and dump and shock
Weren’t those his lips that said “I will be your rock”
A rock that rolled that’s what you are and caused a fucking avalanche
That buried me including heart now I wish upon you sweet revenge
And I will do what all girls do when their heart's been played by fools
Get a doll and use voodoo to cast a spell over the moon
A spell that casts so far it shines covered in stardust through the night
A shooting star is what you'll see that makes you wish you're back with me
And makes you kick your sorry ass for letting doubt creep into you
and that is when I realised you do deserve your solitude
For what it's worth you showed your face no pretty colours to be found
I've dug so deep into myself, completely root out this little love
and what I've found must be the path, intended when I first met you
to follow steps within myself, ignite, enforce, enlighten truth.
half a grenade it was
pink in colour and small in shape
I've been walking through thick honey all day
and thought that laughter was never farther
from my lips
and freedom was taken from my lungs
clenched by memory
you're a stone
you take the crown from all assholes that ever crossed my path
my path that loves life, loves laughter
and I have met many assholes
that thought being nice equals kindness
go to a dance with old friends
that hold you tight and tell you you're safe
when suddenly the dance is easier
and the music runs through your veins
they say all is good, all is good
but you look around and all you can see
is a crowd of sad people, that need this dance
to feel alive
and all you want is be home, held close
you don't want to need this
it's the loudest, most freeing laughter that escapes
followed by the clearest, most honest tears
our skins touch in this vast ocean
all connected yet all alone
in which kindness is the only key
to survive and heal from this experience
but you can't give any kindness
and this little grenade, all it does
is take away the pain for a few hours
allow to live the vastness of my heart
I don't know if I can forgive you
but I need to forget you
so please lobotomise me
take away this memory that made me feel so loved
wash away every molecule that carries your scent
remove every sweetness that came from your tongue
there's no honour in you
no clarity, no courage
there's no path in you
no creativity, no love
for you is the one that denied all the beauty
of learning together, of loving each other
rejecting a heart that was accepting of your flaws
feeling privileged to witness
your growth, your decay
Be careful what you wish for
and I hope your wish will be granted
and the song of solitude is the only one you'll know
from now until forever
for people to see far quicker than me
your true self
And I hope you writhe in your shame
when clarity comes back to you
when the place next to you is empty and cold
and you realise
it is not the bed
it is you.
I am the kind of person, that'll greet the mornings in laughter
and will kneel first thing, to praise the limbs, the brain, the loved ones
that have blessed this little soul
I am the kind of person, that even in the darkest hour, will try to find a joke
and make them giggle, even when I my heart's tainted somberly
as joy and sadness are one eternal play
I am the kind of person, whose heart is so wide open, in genuine
that people will follow lead, one by one, and reveal themselves
they feel safe with me, they feel understood
I am the kind of person, who will understand you so well
that you'll feel threatened by it, exposed by it, scared I will abuse the trust
forgetting that I had opened up just as wide, just as scared
I am the kind of person, that apologises when wrong's been done to you
that knows perfection is bound to the human condition
that mistakes, miswords, mishaps will happen any time
I am the kind of person, that will say I love you, as often as I can
because you are so beautiful and I can see your heart and your light
and I want to cherish and celebrate those, for they illuminate me, too
I am the kind of person, that will say thank you, even when it hurts
because the lessons you teach, as painful as they are,
will harden my skin, but soften my heart
I am the kind of person, that will always step out stronger
for I have no regrets, with open heart and and open mind
with thank yous, and I love yous, and I'm sorrys
I am the kind of person, whose heart is washed clean from doubt
of who I am, how my heart looks, how my mind works
I have done mistakes, but I have not done anything wrong
because my heart has been broken over and over again
by the kind of people like you, who mistake being nice with kindness
whose lives are dominated by fear
I am the kind of person, that will continue to touch and feel
that will stretch the hand, open the heart any time as soon as I heal
there is no place for the kind of people like you
I am the kind of person, that will no longer surround herself
by people who are scared, by people who reject light
here it is, where I draw a line in the sand
I am the kind of person, you will never meet again
I am the kind of person, that will never again shiver at the coldness you radiate
I am the kind of person, you will miss, when the shame has eaten you alive.
your equation doesn't add up
subtracting emotions and love from your life
will not only give you what you wish for
it will retrocede you into a fragile, unprenetable bubble of you
and that bubble will consist
of rejection to grow
rejection to be vulnerable
rejection to truly experience the beauty of sharing oneself
with the world
with the one you love
your equation doesn't add up
you forgot to add that I breathe and think
you forgot to remember all the special signs
that made us unique in the way we functioned
your equation doesn't add up
no logic will portray
the shatters of the hearts you left behind
in your selfconsumed
self loathing ways
your equation is not bound to any logic
by which we humans must abide
that is to learn
and to forgive
you are so small and yet you took it all with you
all the love I had accumulated like a hamster in my heart
all the openness I was willing to decorate our home with
your equation truly sucks
it broke down all the barriers
and left a city in ruins
while I walk through the gravel
what the fuck were you thinking?
as it seems that in all that logic
and equations you seek
you didn't think at all.
that throws its shadow far into me
the fresher air will clear your lungs and your view to me
and no snake will be choking and making bodies sore
of travelling bird's and nomad's roam
I lie in still and stiff and send a wishful thought
that enter free and willingly into each of my heart's cells.
You have dried me up in agony
slow deaths of dull and duty
twenty seven years and I got none to show
gases and faeces are all that give a glow
silent are the voices and mocked are what they say
afraid to look where eyes can't see has brought us off the way
and yet you laugh but shush - shush that mouth just now
listen to the song of trees and make your humble bow
so what is that you call a life -
when blood and sweat shall shed a light
my bank account has robbed me of anything polite
the oxygen shall be mine first before I pass it on
I can't afford a second breath and then my anger foams
I got no time no time to breathe before the balance comes
in overdraft, the debt is due - we'll be counting crumbs
I have numbed the demons
I have drowned, strangled, shot them dead
I have cycled, salad, taxed them away
I have CV'ed, serioused, salaried them out
It's hard to encounter demons
when you never leave the house
when the book is never finished
and the poem never said
It's hard to encounter demons
Netflix owns my time and brains
Laundry has to be done
hair removal oughta be done
I drink the bottle and think
that maybe this glass will bring the depth back
but no depth is found at the bottom of bottles
only regrets and headaches and a truth I'd rather not say
the case has closed and so have I
to reason with this stupid life
the breaks are numb and past has shown
that I am no one worth to know
your skin is like a morning glow
that thaws the secret love I grow
and yet to touch is seems too far
my neighbour, closest friend you are
a play and laugh a childish hug
my jealous stupid brain's a thug
and undeclared I will remain
unrequited once again
my friend you broke the holy grail
I kissed, and failed and yet you bail
my words could not be clearer now
no matter what- friendship's the vow!
and stupid is this poem here
for words I say you will not hear
and pass elusive on to me
silence is your favourite deed.
My back's been stabbed by honesty
that I have brought just on to me
I want to shout your coward name
but then I'll shout to me the same.
Niemanden den ich mehr bewundere als dich. Niemand.
Und niemand dem ich mir ebenbürtiger fühle als dir.
Kein Spiegelbild sondern bessere Reflexion.
Bist du es die mich anregt.
wenn alles andere konfus ist und mir schmerzt.
Du reichst mir Wasser das mir Klarheit gibt.
Reicht mir die Erde die mir Halt bietet.
Und reich ist deine Liebe.
Meine Schwester. Nur ich darf dich so nennen.
Kein anderer Mensch darf dieses Privileg mit mir teilen.
Bist du meine Schwester.
Und ich liebe dich sehr.
After reading a reflective article on the lessons learned during her stay in a foreign country, I felt a little pinch. Have I ever counted my blessings? Have I looked back and gave credit, where credit was due? Can I look back and say I have learned x, y and z? I will give it a try, to put some thoughts into order and feel like I have done something with these days which have continually felt less and less productive.
My past four years have mainly been spent in England, a country where I would have never imagined myself living. I learned to speak a further language up to native level, but still feel haunted when I make mistakes or fail to identify a certain expression.
I never saw myself as a procrastinator per se, surely I struggled to focus for hours and hours on, but pushing work away was none of my main characteristics I'd say.
Here we go.
I learned of mental health, because mine went through a hiccup that felt like it lasted an eternity.
That might be my most valuable lesson, relying all my life on the brightness my mind shed onto my path darkened surely for a period as long as 4 years. My blessing is learning to let go.
My blessing is to have a beautiful, wonderful sister like I do, who supports me through everything and is the best friend and mentor I could have ever asked for.
Is my mother who, in her little quirkiness, never fails to make me feel embarrassed in a good way of belonging to such a banana family.
My father, who healed from his own ailments and came back to me, which made me the happiest daughter I have ever felt.
My family enabled me to follow my studies in a foreign country, and maybe I seemed ungrateful at times as I was struggling with it along the way - but the truth is - you have me the power to gain knowledge I would have never gained otherwise.
My blessing is to learn and see something new each day, since I have started to heal.
I have been working with young, very vulnerable people, have been put into leadership positions, been crafting every week, started painting again, making music, I took a house that I felt I deserved, I was taken into a beautiful friendship I thought would be unbreakable. I have admitted my own breakability. I have taken myself serious and took it back again. I got a wondeful part-time job which helps me recreate a part of mine I thought was dead. I have been lucky to work for an organisation that actually does really good things. I am proud of my work. I am proud of what I am learning every day. Learning more every day has humbled me. Having a friend whose name is humble, has humbled me. Going to Iceland and showing me the beauties of the cold has humbled me. I love humbleness. I fall onto my knees and hope humble covers me in her sheets and paves the paths I walk.
I am lucky to live. I am so damn damn damn lucky.
I have never felt sad when a celebrity has passed, but today I've been fighting off the tears. Robin Williams was an amazing actor and comedian -taking roles and playing in movies which have been companions and life-changers for me and I am sure many more people. It hurts my heart to see that even the brightest, funniest, most charismatic man is overwhelmed by such darkness and sadness that he sees no way out.
It also marks the anniversary of a similar death in my family, and the grief is almost unbearable. When a beloved one makes such a decision we cannot comprehend in what state of mind they were, we don't understand the amount of pain and hopelessness they were experiencing.
What is left behind are our feelings - guilt, shame, despair - we could have called, could have said, could have could have. Maybe it would have changed something? Maybe it would have changed their mind and made them go a little longer, maybe it would have triggered off a healing process?
We all experience lows, for shorter or longer periods - which make "going on" tough at times. Especially our generations, which have gotten a little out of touch with staying in touch, a generation which gets anything at any time per "push the button", a society which has allowed social media to become the least social tool of all times - might struggle sometimes with the fundamental lessons life has to teach.
You are important. You are loved. You have touched people.
I know depression can be crippling,but please ask for help. We're here to help you out, we're here to hold you when you're struggling, we're here to remind you of your awesomeness when your memory is failing - because it does.
I sometimes call my depression amnesia - it makes me forget how easy it is to be happy, to laugh, to appreciate, to be amazed and to be in awe. It makes me forget that people love me and that I love them. It makes me forget how awesome it feels to move, to dance, to sing... It makes me forget that hard work does is necessary and it will be successful either way, even if the results were unexpected. It makes me forget that there's so much time ahead of me and that the best moment to change my habits, my path, my frame of mind is right now.
I am so sorry that Robin Williams and so many others forgot all these beautiful things, but let's try to remind each other more often, shall we?
Embrace the light
They say you need to fail in order to success, and though I have caught myself saying this to friends and loved ones who were going through a phase of dispair - I struggle to believe these words myself.
I know it is probably my depression creating these thoughts and deep feelings of hopelessness, but fighting seems each day more of a challenge I can't face anymore. The few days I thought I was over the hill, feeling like I could climb any other appearing hill vanish in the distance (or my memory).
So how do we cope when sadnes crushes all the good in us?
Do something which uncrushes it.
Uncrush and build on the uncrushable.
in present we grasp
the hero we think
the greatness compelled
I don't claim courage
for the man in camouflage
that fights children in gowns
a language he doesn't speak
a god he doesn't know.
My heart won't skip a beat
for the man living in plenitude
thy generosity is not god-given
decency is no feat to be applauded
simple gratitude suffices.
The hero rots in prisons
stands on the street day by day
plants, kneels, reaches, stands
the hero will not have shiny teeth
a brilliant smile
a pretty face.
No hymn will be sung to praise their name
he survived, she survived, they spoke out
they held a hand when no hand would have reached
they smiled, and called, and saved when neglect had reigned.
this is too young for story telling
it is too small to magnify
but I have stood here, my god, so often
time has made me shy.
to praise, devote, inhale their love
as if they're unique companion I have sought.
the present tells a better story.
you stay for one two three
as if it was eternity
and then we leave.
the curtains fall.
the show discontinues due to
or not enoughs
but I am usually bored.
so often I have promised into the wishful night
into my dreary book,
no man will take me from myself
and then they do
and I dissolve.
But here I write it black on white
into the ether, a blogging site
you will not swallow me
I will not swallow you
I will not draw my lust, love and light
I will not hope for what I cannot know
and I will not dream of a future that hasn't grown
I will be here
in the now
in the present of what is
and if it not you, it will be someone else
and if it is not someone else, I will still move on
I will not wait for a man
but will dance for myself.
It's hard to ignore the knot, which cuts the air, threatens words
but now it seems the time has come, my time to speak has come.
They all formulate so beautifully, on their signs and on their blogs
but I have sitten silently, neglecting and pushing away the thoughts.
I found excuses and apologies for them - and thought I was too drunk
I said they stole my body, but in my head I thought I'm strong
and when they reached for me and whispered, charming little spouts
praising all my features, pressing body, breath is loud
and told me first I'm frigid, little tease, a slutty saint
my shame can't match a torture, since I had never screamed
they might call this a conquer, but in truth they only claimed
a body that gave no response, a body stiff in feint.
The knowledge of your names had numbed by tongue and wit
Fuck I have been raped, I might not give a shit
I just take the pill and choke on it, nobody has to know
They said I was all flirty, maybe it was indeed my fault
They robbed me of my childhood, I thought I could control
And now that I’m much older, I see they’ve crushed my soul.
Barely this word rises, but joins the rising force
I might just add a word or two, and open here my doors
You know I am a joker, but this here is a scar
it reached so far and cut so deep it nearly broke my heart
with shaking wit and trembling heart, hear this voice of mine
scratchy is the sound it makes, when saying I am fine.
I know a sorry doesn't change
what has been done or has been said
yet here I am, in thought, in cringe
and I send a spell to y'all, memories
forgive, forgive, forgive.
I know I have been unkind
and have spoken just to cause hurt
thrown tantrums when a NO was the answer
to a question I have asked
insulting, insensitive, inquisitive.
And in good intention I labelled
a world, to make it a better place
thought of myself as free, as simple
and now I see, I was an ass.
To all my loved ones, and who were once loved
to those I shrugged off in arrogance
to the ones who ran, the ones who stayed, the ones who lingered
my eternal love, my gratitude
my realisation is for you.
I am not as smart as I thought I was
and not as good or brave or light
I am not the seed of a shining star
a lover, a friend, a passenger
so much to learn, too much to do.
This here is just a thought
but it comes and goes on every day
when I read the news, when I speak to them
my friends, my peers, my loved ones
and I look at them and see them grow
I see them rise within themselves
and I wonder which turn I've missed
that so many regrets seem to have grown instead
who am I now?
"Don't look while I am fixing"
no longer works
help me growing
give me a word, a fix, a pep you name it
your time, your care, your thought
are valued now and ever
I thought I'd grow alone
but I just need a little help from my friends.
oh boy, you've tangled me up into your maze of trick and cheat
here a blame, there a little love, but unbalance sowed the seed
t'is the last word you get, and yes, I might break that one, too
but eye to eye no longer works, when sorry's lost the new
admittedly, I am confused, and soft a kiss will make me turn
but hard are voice and sound it makes, to make my stomach churn
my love was small and tender but withered in the race
I cannot keep the words I said, I cannot lit the blace
forgive me heavy lover, for I know you meant all well
but loving you was most the time comparable with hell.
for now I have outcared, for now I cannot stay
as all the steps you need to make are out of my own way
too long the doubt has lingered and grown a thicker skin
no longer can I seek to please the offspring of your whim
I know you will be better, and maybe we will cross
for now I will no longer hope nor grief the pain of loss.
Here is the note long-needed, a charm for wiser times
reminds me that your sweetest words are conning verbal crimes
for every time you're sorry, I know you truly are
but twisted love is poisonous for any persons heart
I'll cherish our best but build an altar for the ill
reminder of the time it takes to nurse me back to well
please take no harm dear lover, the wounds will heal, be sure
what kills you not, scar it becomes, path taken to the cure.
it makes me wonder
if it is just the lack of luck
or a bad hand when chosing
the persistent hope
the never-dying wish
the ever-growing frustration.
but this voice is wrong
they want to taint me
make me insecure.
I have it all in my hands and in my heart
I have a voice that becomes more mine each day
and I have hair which can change
when I need to change.
(for anyone reading this, it is quite a personal reflection here - but it helps me to sort my feelings and thoughts out - in case you continue to read, I hope it brings some sort of reflection to you, too).
Lately I have felt like sitting in a merry-go-round, holding as tight as I can onto my unicorn- closing my eyes in fear that I will be catapulted off this machinery. I see the faces of loved ones and strangers merging into one blurr of colours and velocity, but there is little to distinguish their endings and beginnings from one another.
Yesterday I was still told how deep and eloquent my thoughts and writings are compared to those of my peers, and now I find myself struggling to compose one thread of thought, settled and solid enough to withstand the notions of time, emotion and change. To say I am terrified is an understatement. I withered away for a long time, hiding in a cave hoping to be saved and forgot all the lessons I knew from my childhood and before. Exchanged them for feelings I never allowed to enter before, but now they life rent-free and expanding.
What are those lessons? Don't be afraid, just love, just laugh, just be. Instead I find myself looking enviously around in my circles or even at strangers. Instead of appreciating the blessings I have, I catch myself loathing the lacks, the gaps, the missing success, the failing attempts, my attitude and the one of my surroundings.
It is difficult feeling alone even if surrounded by others. We have grown into a society, into an understanding of social bonds where everyone and everything is easily replaced. I bet people have always felt this way, and those words I said were executed similarly 100 or 200 years ago. But I wonder if lack of appreciation has increased with smartphones and social media.
What is growth?
The older I grow the more I started doubting myself. While I felt strong connection with the universe and the macro cosmos of our human existence I have always struggled very much with the subtleness of our microcosmos. "the benefit of the doubt", my position in the family, with friends, or even in my own life. While until recently I thought I had a strong purpose, this strong feeling continued to fade away with every day of getting closer to it. Now I am only a few months away from graduating for a Master degree I thought I needed so much, but I tremble upon the thought of being part of a large company with people who get up every day at the same time, put on their suit and make a living. I fear facing hundreds of rejection letters and feeling my self-confidence crumble with every word on it.
I fear that I am in relationships just for the sake of avoiding total solitude, claiming their place on my side to fulfil something I wasn't able to fulfil myself. Practicing forgiveness and love is difficult, you know? I am experiencing growth as a painful process, a process I sometimes struggle to commit to. I am not sure I am mature enough to take on some responsibilities, I am supposed to. ...
for I can't imagine
the world out of me
since I is the only
place I ever knew
what a great universe
I has created
but in no comparison
with the one across.
We aim to expand,
reject god and magic
since we now know better, than the one before
the law of nature, teaches unique
are the codes we're made of.
only for the living
only for the thinking
but skin within
we're all alone
rising into giant's fate
made it hard, perpetuate
to truly grow and understand
the girl I learned to be
rootless, treeless, flying leaf
always there, never here
I will help, I will save
lost essence, wasted days
broken scaffoldings, torn muscles
the woman I want to be
free to chose my selt-esteem
what is this pain about
these wounds and scars
the void, the silence, the bounds
the leaf deteriorates
the giant crumbles away in doubt
I never claimed perfection
though I talk of it as a good friend
improve, improve, improve
chose the battles carefully
and save that energy
but don't save it for the special occasion
it will never come
the right time will never come.
The day I make a decision is the best day of my life
the day I forgave you
the day I apologised
the day I cut my hair
the day I found my anger and thew it out the door.
I never claimed perfection
as keeping it close turned it into foe
regret regret regret
waste your time and you will find
nothing but shoulds coulds woulds
and the days grow short and the nights vanish
accept the flow, steer a course, or the flood will take you.
The day I broke a cycle was the best day of my life
I never chose life to be easy
I never sought for joy without sweat
the purpose of life is inside me
find it, catch it, drench it,
encounter this journey without regret.
I had a day dream filled with giggles and wonder
of a look that says: I love your soul
yet I didn't know - until a few lifetimes ago
that the thing I most desire, is the one which frightens me.
I have dreamed so often, of this one and perfect friend
and had them in my heart, but let them go again.
There, you flew your flag, seemed unafraid
claimed that luck will be from now on fate.
Time is no-one's friend, but no captive is taken
no need to defend, what isn't mistaken-
The flow will carry - due its own time
no rush, no haste, no hassle is fine.
I am tired of dreaming, and ready to wake
shake me when you're ready, but please don't wait
for a signal given by some unknown force
we chose this fate, we steer the course.
I'm a mediocre poet don't tell me otherwise
to tie the knot between to words is nothing but a vice
I haven't felt in oh so long a feeling that might thrive
from hibernating lethargy I seem to have arrived.
A word that fits just like a glove, is rare and shunned alike
as honest tongues inflect their homes so they won't agonise.
A bleeding knee, a cracked bone, a muscle twist and torn
I couldn't find a reason to forget why I was born.
I don't care, I can't care for a dwarf in giant skin
a slumber took me by the throat, my heart wilts within.
I dreamt the world much brighter, but honesty's an ache
it shakes my every bone, but I still don't feel awake.
This isn't about poetry, these words are just hot air
thrown together, sounding well, bringing in some flair.
But truth comes in waves, in avalanches of pain
it never comes alone, it never comes in vain-
what use has a poet, when his mediocrity prevails
a drunk child has spoken wiser when for love it wails.
I've had you all you silly boys
saw you enchanted, confused, attracted by law
I am quite weird you say - but cute in a way.
Too often I am bored, desperate looking for fun
fantasising with Disney's tale of the one -
I thought I found "you", and filled the gaps
the needs I have and made them lacks-
accepted with fate and worse with reality.
See, the idiot is clearly me!
An imbecile of hope and motion pictures
but accepted pain as the only teacher
lingering voices, ceasing their chant
might have forgotten what they originally meant
make a decision, truth-borne and from within
make love, make truth one of your kin.
I've seen you all you silly men
grown and strong and soft by touch
melted by gaze "I love you so much".
But wonder strikes me, once and often too
I wonder if those words might be true.
if you haven't wandered, built and fought
nomad warrior, with a thought.
This love might just be foolish gold
uncanny value, easily sold -
I have no use for such affiliate
that's why I am the true idiot.
mira, de seguro ni cuenta te diste
pero te borre
te borre de todas las maneras posibles
de todas las redes sociales
de cada capacidad cibernetica en mi control.
querria borrar mas
pero requiere injerencia cirurgica-
me faltan los medios.
te intento amputar de mis recuerdos
de la fantasia que permiti avanzar sin fondo
no me quieres
no como quisiera
y aunque no sea abogada yo
de mantener distancia y seguridad
de actuar responsable como dices
tengo que aguantar el rescoldo
de ser honesta.
por largarte mas veloz que na'a
cuando fui yo la asustada
quien requerria paciencia
porque de miedos tengo mas que cualquier otra
y me asusto
pero en verdad si aguanto - solo tengo que recapacitar.
dices, y el gusto se me atora
me conviertes en conocida
y me prestas el silencio de alguien quien jamas fue.
pues, si puede ser, no soy paciente
y lejos de perfecta
pero te hago reir
te hago pensar
y me hubiera gustado aprender mas
de mi, de usted como dices, de lo que es aceptar y querer.
que del querer tengo mucho y no se a donde con tanto querer
y el rechazo me amarga
pero intento aprender.
ni cuenta te diste, o sera que no importe
no me quieres como quisiera ser querida
no me buscas ni cuando se nota que estoy perdida.
ahi voy carnalito
paso por paso aprendo que soy idiota en el amor
que ni tan chingona como siempre me hicieron pensar los mediocres
a quien le importan las nalgas duras cuando reconozco ser imbecil
honestamente siempre duele
no naci mexicana para temer
no naci nada para temer
pero para aprender
paso a pasito.
A gift has been given, thousand by thousand brains
immaculate brilliance, haven't taught in vain
thy love thy thought thy hope thy god
truth's been sought, truth's been sowed
truth's been grown, truth is we're not alone
they yield in awe, still, some deny
and hold on to the written lie
that we're perfection, or somewhat unique
that we're to judge , or hold a grudge
and fuel with arm, and kill'em such
as if they were worth less!
forgot what we are, organic beings made out of star
do not scold the genital for being such a flirt
in the end it's what you're made by, not a pile of dirt.
Unfortunate! your target is the aim
to gain shame, fame or win the game
but truth is they're all the same
confusing you, arresting you, tying you, tiring you.
we all grow tired, to compare and contrast
putting truth last
I can't rest in silence, and commit to non-violence
my word is my fist, no sorry if it hits
right into your set of belief
and you might go through the stages of grief.
we're made out of water, carbon, and air
elements discovered, through nature's flair
we're all made out of the same, some with less, some with more
of: whatever, you can chose
and that's probably the only distinction we could abuse
because some are fat or skinny or strong
and even if you're smart, sometimes you'll be wrong
some of us sleep like babies while some of us can't
and some of us stand on stages and have poetry rants
some think they're young forever and regret in their age
that they never paused to contemplate the cage
our mind has created, in service of protection
locked you into a closet of pride and perfection.
You're wrong, you're always so wrong
and you keep on singing that same old song
I have nothing against them, but....
whatever you think, do not continue this thought
it'll only expose the darkest of your grace
I know it hurts to open those doors and to face
the demons, the world, the shadows you thought
had successfully outrun!
but once you step out of the closet, it's just the beginning of fun!
Trust me, trust yourself
you're greater than you think, once you let honesty sink
into all the dimensions of your beautiful self
and say: I want to be kinder! then everybody wants to help
because kindness is the key, to that ominous door called love
for you, and what you are, a bundle made out of dust and scars
as so am I, and her, and him, all the creatures, our planet, our universe
all good things come to an end, while we end in a hearse
we're not long enough here, to understand it all
but a thousand by thousand brains made the call
it is time to think, to read, to embrace the awe
and respect that nature is the only law.
callan las calles, te quise beber
la noches se ahogan en malentender
te beso, me besas, pero no hay regreso
distinto el camino, perdido el trecho
te quise reconocer de manera ajena
pero extraña soy yo, nada me frena.
It is not hard to find love
but I haven't seen it around much
too many books, too many songs, too many poems and picture
it is always love
the mysterious, untouchable,
all great moments held in a few million pixel
look at me
look at me
now please don't look
come back in a few weeks time when I found love again
so much stage
so much attention
I wonder if love requires such exposure
if love is nothing but a cheesy picture
or my envy when they hold hands and giggle into each other's necks
holding hands being a unit
this unit which seems just simpply to be
I wonder if so much stage demolished
this altar I was tought love should be
that I imagine my unit descending from the screen into my heart
the place of detail and silence crumbles away
when the curtains lift
and standing ovation when the curtains close
love is not hard to find
but surely it won't wait on a stage
surely it will have flaws and a hair in weird places
surely it will be silly when tired and grumpy when hungry
surely it will drink once too much and apologise for the mess
surely it will not wait for me to breathe so it can breathe too
surely it will question my actions and scold when I am wrong
look at me
look at me
look at us
a unit is a unit when it decides to be
love will come, as it will also find me!
2014 and as the cliche dictates I made resolutions. With the slight distinction that I religiously celebrate the Mexican tradition of eating 12 grapes when the clock hits midnight. With each
grape being crashed between my jaws I send a thought, a goal, a pathway to the universe for it to hopefully materialise and being sent back to me.
Last year I started doing a "not to do" - resolution list, written down on paper and carried around everyday. I want to get rid of bad bahibts, bad thoughts, bad friends, bad parts of me, and carrying a list helps to remember that I am actively working on the bad stuff, too, in case the New Year's Resolution of going to the gym every day will traditionally be postponed for the next New Year's Resolution.
In addition to all these things, I have counted the bad days for the past 2 years. A bad day is defined by absolute feelings of dispair, the lowest, most unwelcome moments, where I sadly must admit that I forget to love myself, hence the world, too. Love is truly all, and when love is gone nothing goes. So in order to remember that we need to count the bad and the really good days, observe the ratio and make conclusions and be aware of the sides a coin has. Even the darkest days leave a mark, an insight, a lessons learnt from which we can draw good, positive, deep feelings and thoughts. Good days as such are hard to calculate, so I count the moments. Light, beautiful, colourful moments of this year.
I also happen to have a jar which purpose it is to contain little papers with "awesome moment" notes in it.
So these are four things I do, to keep track of the year and my happiness ratio.
And now long story told short I must admit that most of my NY resolutions weren't fulfilled, writing a poem every week or at least 35 poems didn't work (in fact I wrote 16) . I didn't read one book for my own pleasure, I didn't meditate, I drank more than I wanted, I didn't work harder. So is there a reason to not like myself so much after all? Let's skip that. I did fulfil some points on my list, and they were the least expected, or most random. Find out more who I am and explore my femenity. Yes these were my resolutions.
So for next year here's the list and the not-to-do list:
Receive my 1st real wage
35 poems by end of 2014
read for pleasure
go to bed on time
write letters to loved ones and strangers
show appreciation, be grateful, practice humbleness
wake up when I need to wake up
get out of the comfort zone, be open
focus on myself, my path, my health, my future - my present
practice my languages and instruments, plant a garden, eat my own grown
be clean, eat clean, live clean, think clean
define the year by detox instead of intox : 1 month sugar free, 1 month full vegan, 15 days vegan raw, do one liver cleanse, do one master cleanse, go to meditation retreats, find a silent retreat.
my not to do list is much shorter in appearance but clear
wait too long to make a decision
rush into feelings
forget who I am and what I need
smoke too much
drink too much
be scared of loss
wait instead of doing
Happy New Year to everyone, may all your wishes may be granted but be careful what you wish for. Mua
I was recently asked the question if I considered myself a perpetual foreigner.
And because of that - and in an attempt to be truer to myself, this thought section will be written in german.
In dieser meiner Welt, die nie stets und siedlerfähig ist, hat es kaum raum für klare Enden und Beginne. Ich setze mir eigene Grenzen im Versuch Rahmen zu schaffen, und als ein solcher eignet sich der 31 Dezember sehr gut. Ein kurzer Zeitrahmen der Reflektion gewidmet, und was erhalte ich?
Ich merke, dass all diese Dinge die ich so sehr Teil von mir glaubte, gar nicht mein sind, oder je waren. Im Rausch möglichst viel zu sehen, wissen, leben - habe ich Wahrheit und Reife unerkannt gelassen. Jetzt, im alter von 25 Jahren, muss ich mir meist selbstverständliche Gedanken- und Reifeprozesse aneignen. Ich muss diese grausame Stimme in meinem Kopf ausschalten die mir Scheitern und Verlust propheziert.
In Wahrheit hatte ich nie eine Pubertaet, ja zwar war ich genauso ein idiotischer, hormongesteuerter und schlecht gelaunter Teenager, aber während andere stolpernd in ein Erwachsenenbewusstsein steuerten, dachte ich mich schon auf dem Reife Zenit. Zu oft wurde mir bestätigt dass ich viel reifer, weiter, tiefer, höher dachte als meine Altergenossen - genug der Honigsprache um ein liminales Wesen in eine schwer abzuschüttelnde Arroganz zu stossen.
Diese Erkenntnis ist Teil meiner jetzigen Liminalität. Im Wollen möglichst viel einzuschliessen habe ich mich selbst eingeschlossen. Meine Sprache, mein Leben, meine Freunde, meine Ziele - jeder denkbare Lebensaspekt existiert auf Standby. Bei meinem Letzten Besuch in der Schweiz merkte ich, dass mein Sprachgefuehl, mein Vokabular, sogar meine Gedanken - dem einer 21-Jährigen entsprechen, wenn nicht jünger.
Noch heute werde ich oft nach meiner ID gefragt wenn ich Alkohol oder Zigaretten kaufe, und ich scherze dann gerne, dass ich seit 10 Jahren 18 bin. Es ist ja an sich eine gute Sache dass mein Gesicht in Gnade über meine Exzessive Jugend steht. Aber wenn das Bewusstsein ähnliche Karten spielt, sieht alles anders aus.
Es sind viele Gedanken mit diesem Prozess verknüpft, und ich habe noch unbeschreiblich viel zu lernen, aber in diesem liminalen Raum der mein aktives Leben darstellt, bin ich froh um den einen oder anderen Anker der sich bietet, es fuehlt sich gut an in Schiller's Sprache zu schreiben und meinen Wurzeln etwas treuer zu sein, auch wenn es Luftwurzeln sind.
I was born North
in any country North
193 when I feel acknowledged
196 when I think I am important.
But in truth we are 200 and more
strong, and fierce, and fighting for that seat in New York.
My skin has grown pale - the sun has put on her shy dress
In the heat of Mexico's desert just minutes from the border
eternal freedom - super size Coca Cola - I am North
I have lived you many times, in many places, it's North that's home to me.
The taste of sweeter sounds so different from the south
the needle draws and shows we're North
almost centered - but no cigars.
Exclaiming clarity - we're here! They're there - and there is Mars
in repetition of numbers, meridians, latitudes - check my coordinates
drawn on my heart, beneath the chest
53.4667°North, 2.2333° West
you see, they say that North it is where I roam
but in truth I am just simply home.
My walk is bouncy and I sing to myself
and when I sing I sing to you
but you start that song and the beat goes on
I envy you
I was the one to leave, involuntarily
the moment when you said I am free
I was in truth, and care was far from me
I envy the smooth path you've paced
abundant in nature, in new, in exciting
saturated in laughter, poor in grim
and somwhere in between I bounced in
and you bounced out
too far my heart - too long that time
and still you kiss me, pushed to wall
dance till sweat, catch my fall
in time it grew
I envy you.
All this time I thought I could
and it comes true, they say you snooze
maunder, nap, languish in youth
and lost it is, shed and gone
trailed off down those paths you've paced
I envy myself for wandering, laze
I thought I had it all
dance till sweat, hard's the fall
and still you'd hold me, a hug among friends
I thought I was free, but now I pretend
if she only knew,
how damn much I envy you.
I have been there, you are not the first
and say that you like me, but sometimes it hurts
to have the sleeve up on the tongue
or was it heart, it just feels wrong
to leave when love is just a seed
and time fails hard to fill those needs.
but what's to heal? The weed has grown
on a fragile scion, too small to withhold
the damage of storms, and fire, and sores.
Idle garden, fallow field, voiceless song of mine
tender heart has been once more postponed for unknown time.
I have not been keeping up with my target of poetry writing, which makes me feel very sad and asahmed. I haven't allowed myself the rest and leisure to let my mind roam for a while and catch come new thoughts and inspiration, but have been hastily taking new turns in my life and new exciting decisions which have been consuming me entirely.
So what happened? I am going to tell those few who might actually in their midnight boredome wonder.
In April I had to rewrite my whole dissertation, as my tutor decided 2.5 weeks before due date that I had produced a pile of intellectual blurr i.e. BS - which forced me to gather all my hidden superpowers, live of highly dense vitamin and mineral food and extremely little sleep to finish this forceps delivery "On time". I am writing "on time" as I actually never truly finished, but "finished" 1.5 hours before deadline and wouldn't have been able to do so without the great help of my friends.
May was a plough of last essays to write, all with the little remains of my brain which my dissertation benevontly left. In all honesty it wasn't much, and I was certain I wouldn't be able to graduate with more than an embarassing mark. But oh well. I was tired. I was exhausted. And I was in hospital. Oh wait, that's June.
June was, as I said, 1 day hosital and 1 week recovery and packing up my stuff and being unsure what the next step would be. And there was the Underground Market II as well. And a sad attempt to discover the last uninteresting bits in Portsmouth. And more recovery and the diagnosis that my overies had decided to explode... ish. My doctors can't really decide what I have, but I have it.
July? July was a rather spontaneous flight to Mexico and there I stayed with little interruptions in Guanajuato, Mexico City, Monterreal, Monterrey, and Playa del Carmen. It was good but not really productive, unless you find learning how to play Elephant Gun by Beirut to be productive.
This went on till midst of August, where I came back to Switzerland to be harshly put into the real life and infront of the rather uncomfortable task of deciding what to do with myself.
So yeah, that happened and I first half heartedly applied to the University of Manchester for MSc. Pretty fance for just half-heartedly doing so. And the more I was thinking about it, the more I really wanted it. Bam, well, I am writing now from Manchester - the rainy city - which is am unfair name, I have been here for 3 weeks and it has only rained 3 times or so.
So now I am super excited and pretty scared to start this great journey I am already 3 weeks in. I can now use all the best of focus and luck vibes, as I have missed a lot of study time due to househunt and later stress-related illness. But this will be all ok, I know it. I am doing what I dreamed of, and paving further and further the path to my dream job one day.
SAVING THE WORLD - BUSINESS!
I am noone you like but I might be someone you love
as I am who you are and wished to be
a vessel just like them and barked like a tree
a beggar, a runner, a peasant in the sun
a truth you thought was long time gone
Too honest this heart, and writhe in regret
too often have I said what I shouldn't have said
too often I stretchd to get a grasp of your hand
sand turns to cement and becomes this heart
a muscle of stone, melted once and went hard
A lion, tinned scion, a man made of straw,
I thought we're all perfect but covered in flaws-
we've listed the missings, but action is rare
I am someone like you, and pretend not to care
unperfect in truth, and playing unfair .
the urge of perfection has ceased
in constant better
or somewhat unique.
Here I saw myself in witness
and had to humble
those years it took to learn
what over and over has been taught
that by looking over you'll just stumble
that you should be your only concern
arrogance has led too far
I thought too often that I needed more spark
false illusions, own prophecies,
compose images of false belief
forgiveness is a key
unlock it - thrive
reach for it and dream
what you are is all you are
not all of value can be seen
understand the beauty of life.
Now that I feel that time is running tirelessly
I received an image of my future, double-aged self
saying: hold. Hold for an instance.
I happened to notice that the first official blog entry was written a little over 4 years ago. This is of little to no interest for most the people, but made me think for a few moments.
Although my life has changed drastically over the past 4 years (the website itself has been around for +- 6 years) this blog has remained. I don't think I have any readers, and if, welcome you stranger and lover, welcome on this little island composed by my thoughts. I have lived in 3 countries ever since I started this blog. I have worked for many people, WITH many people. I have learned 2 new langues and improved 2 others fundamentally. I changed my whole perspective on life several times and started to walk upon an academic path (something unimaginable 4 years ago). I am no longer a full-time poet. I have succeeded and especially failed a few times more in life. My heart has been broken and fixed and yet broken again. But this blog stayed. It's been my creative outlet and life counsellor, and the reason I haven't given up writing poetry for good. The nature of this blog allows people to read in a linear manner, to roam through my thoughts and past, browse until the moment where I decided to go cyber. Back in the day facebook wasn't invented yet, or at least not a an everyday activity. The main reason I started this blog was to share pictures I have taken with others, a function other websites have taken care of. We have been overwhelmed by the internet, noone warned us that one day, everything will happen through a keyboard and a screen. I remember the excitement computers and fast internet caused me, when first encountered. And again, I have to say, wow, so much has changed -so so much, but this blog stayed. I know it is not a great effort, or something to be proud of, but I feel this blog resembles an anchor of my life. It gives me some tranquility to know that although many things have changed and are constantly transforming, somehow my words still apply. Somehow these poems and words and thoughts still make sense. And I hope for any stranger, lover and roamer that they have an anchor in their life.
I found myself in water, the drowning dead was near
my demons came and exposed the night, the night I so much fear
no witness to my torture, no helping hand in sight
just the moon and sun and stars - bare witness to my fight.
To fight an inner demon, is a clean and proper strive
They give you two fair options, one is called surrender, the other one is life
All bones inside were broken, and hope a distant glow
and then my witness' called me, you must go with the flow.
A demon can't be fought, it only needs a face-
a name, a tag, a shape, a grasp - an understanding place.
I took my demons forces, and turned them upside down,
I made them boat, to float the sea, and never let me drown.
Look at me, I'm aging, but this mollusc bides in dream
to find myself a warrior is the ever losing theme.
My armour here is polished, the weapon's on the hand!
but as I turn and see my boat, I see the ship's unmanned.
Oh captain, which captain? the steering wheel is mine!
barbarous was the sea, the wind was blowing fine
I fly the flags and hoist the sails and sing a sailor's song
In solitude no ears can hear when the tune I sing is wrong
Sometimes the boat is weaker, and leaks a wave or two
t'is was the time when haven sought, and thought that it was you
you liked my boat, the tune I sang and the beauty of my sails
yet, how could you know, that all of this was made by my passed wails?
I found you as my friend, reluctant at the start
but opened myself vulnerable and offered you my heart
gullable, is what they say, and soft as butter, too
honesty clings to me, as I have clung to you
now the haven is behind, and open sea ahead
this little thought here is for you and what we now have shed
but friend, you were no warrior, no armour suits you well
in tranquil heart you seek to live, conceal the demon's knell.
The rocking sea's my mother, and calms my thoughts and songs
it fills my heart with bliss and joy, when for another't longs
I might be my boats captain, but coxwainless's this ship
and on and on until it finds a steerman that might fit.
There are many reasons why someone should overthink their eating habits. There are even more reasons why everyone should overthink their consumption behaviour in general, but on that maybe later.
Food has always had a huge impact on me as far as I can remember, however, it took me years to realise how sensitive I truly was. I won't blame my mum, I am certain she always tried to make food fun and healthy, but still, there was always meat, rice, wheat and frozen food involved including lots and lots of dairy products, and a microwave meal everynow and then and her experiments with artificial sweeteners and other things. On top of that I used to feel very anxious to bring food to school, which let to eating the junkfood my peers and I considered "filling". Food certainly wasn't my main priority for many many years, but certainly had great impacts on my mood and health: I suffered from Psoriasis for the greater part of my life since I am 5, bad eye sight, extreme mood swings and grumpy-ness, terrible sleeping patterns and pale skin.
First steps into more conscious eating started when I refused to eat tuna out of cans and artificially sweetend products, the former in regard to the enviroment and the fish industry, the latter because the taste truly is nasty and I don't know which kind of numb taste buds it requires to allow such chemistry into one's body.
I knew very little about being a vegetarian. Living in Mexico 2009/10, with most my friends being vegetarian I naturally adjusted my eating habits to an all-cheese diet, forgetting that my body would need some other vitamins, minerals and proteins, too. I didn't feel well at all, which brought me to see a doctor, who snorted at the sight of my blood results. He said: "you're 21 but your blood looks like the blood of a 70 year old lady". Well, that didn't make me feel particulary well. He recommended to eat liver, something I've never tried before and after I did wouldn't want to do so again. Liver is ew.
I felt that my time to become a vegetarian hasn't come yet, I didn't really grasp the concept of food, eating, health and well-being. Being a vegetarian meant you loved animals more than yourself or you simply didn't liked the taste of meat, and neither applied to me. At least I wasn't completely ignorant anymore, learned my lessons and started to get a grasp of what truly good food meant.
On NYE 2011/2012 I wrote a list of resolutions, including the goal of becoming a vegetarian.
While most of the other goals (do more exercise, better grades etc) slightly vanished into oblivion, it was a heart-issue of mine, to stick my middle finger to the meat and food industry and celebrate some kind of new aquired independence. I didn't plunge into the icecold water, in fact, my meat consumption had been naturally decreasing over the past few months, which led to loads of frozen meat products in my freezer.
I didn't want to be one of "those" veggies, who are difficult at dinner parties, refuse to eat of the same fork as a carnivore or looked at meat-eaters with certain spite. I promised myself that I wouldn't suffer and would give in, in case meat-cravings would come up. Truth is, on New Years Day I had a meatball sub. I also had to prepare all the meat in my freezer, as I felt it would defy any ethics to throw the meat away and therefore completely reject the sanctity of life. However, it was surprisingly easy to become a vegetarian. Basically any meat has meat substitutes. For a carnivore who becomes vegetarian for ideological reasons like me, meat substitutes are helpful and good source of protein, but not necessarily truly good food. In fact, quite the opposite, but I'll talk about that another day.
What I learned being vegetarian is:
- you don't eat naturally better because you're a vegetarian
- you must make research into food if you want to survive
- cleaning your carnivore housemate's cooking utensils (as a favour) is disgusting (something I didn't notice as a carnivore is the stickyness and smell of animals product residue on cooking utensils)
- people will always ask why you refuse to eat meat. Some will give you something like a "blessing" if they find your "argument" coherent enough, others will desperately look to find other health-related flaws in you, others might even feel that you're a radical and be weirdly enough "offended" by your food decisions
I've been offended and praised for being a vegetarian. People have called me dirty hippie, communist or world saviour. It is strange how personal most people take other people's eating habits, but it seems even stranger that upon that they don't start to question and rethink their own eating and consumption behaviour. I became a vegetarian as an experiment on my consumption habits and to see if I can live without meat and yes, it is easy, it feels good and on top of that it makes life very much easier (menu's have usually vegetarian dishes marked with a V and normal restaurants don't have many choices so I usually have my mind made up within 30 seconds after browsing the menu).
Being a vegetarian is only the first step on the path of consciousness which I decided to walk upon a few years back.
Food is not just feeling filled, it is our way of understanding life in a deeper, more holistic manner.
Nächtelang winde ich mich - halte Hand aufs Herz und prüf
Auf Schlag folgt Schlag folgt Schlaf, verdient aber nicht sehr tief-
da sitzen sie, schwer auf der Brust, zig Geister und Dämonen
stellen Fragen ohne Sinn, möchten fried'voll'n Traum mir nehmen.
Ich habe mich gewidert, entzweit und verletzt-
alten Stolz verloren und mit tiefer Scham ersetzt.
Das bin nicht Ich, die um Liebe und Zeit dir fleht
das ist der Hund, der in meinem Herzen lebt.
Sein Winseln ist so kläglich, es macht alle Ohren taub
liessen jedermann vergessen, in Wahrheit bin ich Frau.
Du willst mich nicht, ich brauch dich nicht, ein Hund ist auch ein Wolf
Der Mond ist meine Mutter, die Freiheit ist mein Stolz.
Ich tanze lebenslang, weil mein Herz es mir erlaubt
zu oft wurde mein Herz vom wilden Lamm geraubt.
Ein Wolf der Salsa tanzt, dreht sich im Takte von dir ab,
eins, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben, acht.
You saw my struggle, felt how I tried to retrieve
I drank too much, could barely hold on my feet
I whispered no, when you grabbed me
In heat ripped of my dress
I just bought it last week, then you kissed my chest
Please stop, no please. And naked you were
So young and pretty, my rapist in a blur
Please don't hate me... but...but I said no!
I thought we could make love a few hours ago.
Stabbing throb, you're on your way
To come, to burst, humiliate.
Is this what you are a rapist by name-
Or a dumb boy just playing a game?
It might have been whispered, but still a no
I pretended to sleep, so you might let go.
My body's a temple, mutiny its prayer
I died there, bit by bit, layer by layer.
I find it hard to talk, my throat, it strikes
When I think of one among a thousand nights.
Today I'd scream, I'd kick my way out
Back then I was young, didn't know what it is about
That no one is just desire and lust and heat
That respecting yourself is respecting me.
One syllable, you make your choice
Love your life and use your voice.
Out there, they call, and they call me dear
My home is here, home is here
Mere shadows of a wall but unbroken and kind
After all these years, it doesn't come with time
Now, now, my breath is steady and feels the sea
In a few moments, I'll celebrate being me
Part, part from me pride and doubt
Aside denial, distraction, destructive thought
Drench me in your waves of love and light
Mend the scars passed on me from the scarred
Embrace the flow, heal in all spheres
Hum the chant, accept yourself
Undo the guilt, forgive the past
My heart, our soul opened up to eternity-
Om Mani Padme Hum.
their whisper and giggles, a finger pointed at me
I didn't know that my rucksack wasn't fashionably
I begged for months, there where home used to be
and now, Mom, they're making fun of me!
I said something funny, at least 'tis what I thought
cruel was their laugh, while with tears I fought
They hurt me bad, when noone's there
they push'n pinch'n punch'n swear!
I try to fit in, Mom, I try so hard
but day by day they keep on breaking my heart
I'm the last one they choose and pretend not to care
but when we play games, they never play fair.
Is it my height? My hair? My voice? My face?
My clothes? My Bag? My pencil-case?
What can I change, what shall I do?
To be a part of that damn group!
I'm tired of trying to fit in and be strong
I can't feel home somewhere I don't belong
one day, perhaps, soon will it be
I can celebrate just being me.
and here I stand, alive and safe
I didn't have to play the brave
I guess, Mom, you were not that wrong,
what didn't kill just made me strong.
les couleurs sont ta passion,
danser sans rênes
all you silly boys!
Stretch your muscles, prove me wrong
you're my kind of prey in a pop song
put on repeat and writhe in pride
ouch that was my ego, and it died.
oh dear heavens! what have I done?
A month pretending to love someone
solitude truly is one awful trait
might transpire hope but mostly hate!
I pretended to be prey and it was okay
a girl's heart beats sometimes in different ways
you wish to protect me? that's one shiny knight!
but I should have told you that I know how to fight!
You might be strong and turned out weak
you might be fun but bored within a week
you are so kind but ignite no spark
I'm bored my love, bored from the heart.
I've seen you all you silly boys
strong or smart or kind or toys
one trait is good but not enough
for me to like you and one day love.
I have no clue why it took me so long, but here's a small retrospective report on my activity in Mexico 2009-2010 regarding the Poetry Slam movement.
It might contain some mistakes, but i've been sitting on the computer all day and lack of energy at the moment. I hope you can take some inspiration out of it.
Please don't bore my heart
in pride thinking: I want more
ignore the deserved.
Adulthood : Amended.
I sought for greater words
as it passes.
They do smell like grown-ups
fusty when out of bed
wine finds itself in glass
no more random cracked mugs.
you say you love me
when we see each other
once in eternity
the wine made you soft
only wine makes soft
what others shaped into form
all is norm norm is all
my heart is bored
to discuss, debate, elaborate
tiptoeing around hipocrisy.
Once I did wrong and got punished for it
nowadays I buy eggplant,
but never really liked neither taste nor texture.
And when it rottens away in the fridge
I feel sorry for it, for me, for the untaken forfeit
I still do wrong
but noone says
we think we're grown ups
and don't need guide and guard
social solitude is no key for a time
lived and passed onto others
I came here to look around in awe
pretending to be or becoming an adult
bores my heart, it bores the life out of me.
They smell like grown-ups
drinking their wine
out of crystal not out of cups
woody, smoky, fruity, dry
and eww, ooh, aw! dead.
adult jokes are bad jokes
I see them standing in small
edible circles commenting on this and that
the little left of social interaction
being cynical and sarcastic
look at my possessions
I was careful once and then I got boring
curiousity is a child's treat
I know it all
rise and fall
need, urge, drive
and then comes the crisis
you want to be real again
big questions arise
being a grown-up is the most boring thing
ever happening to me.
Retrospectives, Prospectives, Learned Lessons and Lists.
Favourite Songs 2012:
Thomas Tallis: Spem in Alium
Marina and the Diamonds: Numb
Alt-J : Taro
Dreamend: The Sick Call Cabinet
Noah and the Whale: Beating
Fiona Apple: Hot Knife
The Knife: Pass This On
Da Lata : Cores
Calle 13: Latino America
My Morning Jacket: Highly Suspicious
Soggy Bottom Boys: Man of Constant Sorrow
The Black Keys: Howlin' For YOu
Janelle Monaé : Cold War
just realizing there are far too many.
This year has taught me A LOT. Final gift of the year was an epihany, revelation, enlightenment. I can't really explain in simple words, but I hope the clarity of this event will be a longer companion.
What I want is not what I need
Healing is a process which can't be accelerated but only supported
If they try to make you feel that you're not good enough, it means they are not good at all
nothing and noone can harm me
if something hurts it is usually my ego
it is easy to be whatever you wish when it is there in abundance, your truth appears when scarcity is around
law of attraction
past's true face is gone
I'm only as alone as I chose to be
there are many so I only tell the most important one for this blog:
Write a minimum of 35 poems by the end of the year.
Go out of the house every day.
Have a happy new year Strangers and Lovers.
we were all born crazy
but he claims the norm
this fight is unwinnable
when they start the storm
apology is easy
when the shout is done
I was just angry
but real is the harm
don't fight those fools
just soothe their ears
their level is dark
no matter their years
a fool's power is ever
and strong when you care
don't waste your words
to a head filled with air
storms are tricky foes
and hard to defeat
so let them be wild
and smile, while you read.
silence after laughter
your lungs empty, grasping for reconciling
breath. your body - there a shake
they told the story different!
being brave and unique is the key
for someone just as brave and unique
to stumple upon and chose you.
Time is wiser and harsher
brave is stupidity, unique a madness.
To sell well you must be a good for mass
teaches economy, supply and demand
must meet at equilibrium.
There's no demand for my product and
I charge far too much.
I'm all these heroines mixed in one body
an artificial artefact of mediatric
hypocrisy of what ideal and interesting is.
My wit is fake, self esteem acted.
The more I commit to fake the realer I could become
but hopefully one day a change is gonna come
Hope is for those sitting in a room
folding their hands together, practising magic thoughts.
It's a joke. My handshake is firm, my glance steady,
now that I have your attention allow me to implode
and unfold the main character of my skeletton
vulnerable and fucking broken bones.
I'm only half as strong and double as scared
as what I pretend to be
I'm strong when alone
and insecure when in company.
My love's been raped and mutilated
a hundred times before, and you think
you can safe it? I've burnt all
the remains already but the
traces are my limbs.
AMPUTATE ME! Tell me
please you're not dumb enough to wait for a saviour
or love, it was just a joke.
Now tilt your head back and laugh
laugh as loud as your lungs permit,
do not anticipate for the....
Hey brain how's it goin'?
All good heart! even better
I met someone who's fun to talk to
ah that's good
that means it's time for me
to be irrationally clingy, needy and demanding?
No heart! please don't!
Let me handle this, brain
I know what I'm doing
I'll make myself IRRESISTABLE
they won't have a chance but thinking 25/7 of me me me
I thought we talked about this
we don't want that
we want freedom and happiness
oh yeaaaah, changed my mind
ALL SIGNS GO FOR FOREVER
and who are you?
Follow my lead
oh no, abort mission
They don't like chocolate as much as we do
but that's totally ...
WHY DIDN'T THEY CALL AFTER THE SHOWER?
shut up heart!
Oh just my awesomess, another roadkill of heart/guts
we're still cool
no you're not
you're behaving worse than ever
By turning my whole system into a hormonal nightmare
C'mon self esteem you can do better than that!
better than them?!
YES! WE CAN!
no, better than ourselves, not better than them
oh that's no fun
we don't underachieve
well at the moment we're not achieving at all
they're crazy about us
no they're not
this is madness
can I please just cuddle myself?
A woman shall not pity herself
I'm trying to maintain that little bit of self consciousness left.
Swallow pride and prejudice.
Swallow fears and anxieties
Swallow worries and traumas.
I know I'm stupid at times
but it's because I'm scared.
We can be great.
excuse me random go crazy body/brain/system I don't like you that much right now!
For 12 years now I have experienced these triple numbers
I don't remember them all, but some
the year I was going to turn 13
and will experience my first kiss
much much later that year
the year I will experience fail
and puberty on its full storm
the year I'll feel like someone
and started to numb myself
afraid of pain
I work hard to succeed
and hope to enter new worlds
but nothing is ever as expected
strong friends, first love
Here I am almost 16
thinking the world is MINE
and then the heart breaks
into fragile scatters of a shadow what once was
Never say no to a hand which reaches for you
4 is my number
Everything changes that night
Real love changes everything
I felt so strong with you on my side
Out of age
but not much older
such a lucky fool I am
breaking hearts every 3 minutes
getting mine broken into particles of dust
is this the real life?
The man told me I have a big heart
and I cry and cry and cry
what is the value of a big heart?
Berlin and Birthday
This year was not meant to be
but I am a soap star!
you have to love me!
perfect eye sight
love at first sight
storm of the storms
life is almost good
I made it!
almost a world journey
my old and dearest friend
I am free and chained to this elf
I am giving birth to my first own baby
Love so strong
I found home
I leave home
this is unreal
who am I?
I've lost myself
find new pieces and make them one
what I need and what I want
why don't you love me?
Why don't I love myself?
here it is
life, love, wounds, scars, healers
Literally, figuratively, passionately.
I start counting
and find 3.5 worst days
I grow wings
I let you go
I try to be brave
happiness is the only thing which matters
noone and nothing can harm me
go back to colours
a fragile start
curiousity please never end
I am 24 now
I don't drink (only on occasion)
Don't do drugs
I don't steal
I try to be as honest as I can
sometimes I am lazy
I sing and dance because it makes me happy
I apologize when I am to blame
and still you tell me because I don't believe in your Father God I am not going to heaven?
I don't believe in heaven nor in hell
but I believe most of you who point at others are hypocrites
27 days to go but I still believe this year was better than the one before
Thanks to the people who show they care
the random ones, the spontaneous lovers and strangers
the great music
the good jokes
the seldom tears.
I want to love you always
and admire you when you're brave
by taking the slimy bit out of the sink
or smiling at strangers without restraint
by grabbing my hand when we cross a street
or standing up to me when I am mad.
loving you always is not a question of time
one day we'll die or grow apart
but as long as you're here, and kinda mine
I want to love you with all my heart.
Oh so you want to be sarcastic when I ask you how you feel
a mhm is enough to close that emo-talking deal
well, I have to disappoint you I want a little more than that
one syllable is not enough to have a "I want to love you always" -chat.
Screw this, screw you, why did I ever wanted two?!
stupid hormones, stupid love, screw everything but the screw!
tighten up my mind and be rational you silly brain
and in opposite to you logics will be back to me one day!
I will not love you always
see, my heart ain't tight
but time has proven things
letting go when it ain't right
caring and sharing is all that is
confusing cause and sympton
won't be healed with a kiss
I untied myself and tighten the loose
and I'll be very careful, next time I choose.
My heart beats so fast I can see my chest pounding
it rattles in a rhythme and won't stop when I please
it cries in high tones but the lower are sounding
in struggle it breathes, in agony I freeze
we are all born crazy, but I sought to be plain
to be free and let go and maybe loved on day
you ask for my borders, the birth, the skin, or tongue
see this new body, which is used, and never young
I have seen so many, like you before you were
playing filthy truths, always failing the good dare
the skies above are fake, and so is this old word
my poem is this life seen through a lense which is blurred
go on. catch this; yes my heart's hurting when it speaks
it's hard to stop when playing strong, but truly feeling weak
it pounds and it sounds, it pumps the wounds all around
rarely ever stopping, there's no end to be found
I wished it'll stop this grotesque and aching game
happiness is a myth, and faith in it a shame
but peace or truth or love don't indulge in global fame
yeah, I was born crazy in a world of ailing plain.
my water has come dirty
as I drunk the last bit
and the floating particles show
here's an image of yourself
I've lost some time
and slept a life
through what I've known
I lived in rhyme
succumed to drive
the rocky road as shown
I think too much
and met my fears
a thought is foe
and friend alike
Here is my crutch
my seldom tears
with your strike.
I caught you in a moment
when you lost yourself in me
I'm nothing but a demon
of love and fear and heat.
yes, I'm afraid, my brain's a twisted knot
and often I'm confused, rarely I am not
I need you friend and lover, to save me from my brain
it catches me in vulnerable and sends me to more pain
but life is good, and you are better, just one more little kiss
so I forget these silly thoughts and believe in what there is.
Ok, here's what I think of those ads: fuck you!
FUCK YOU! I am not being paid for having ungly advertisement on my poemss! This is an audaciousness!
I personally try my best to avoid adverstisement and the far reaching arms of only-for-profit based corporations.
I am very annoyed, but please, here is a beautiful song, listen in.
It's a band which should be much more famous in my opinion, so go support, watch, spread!
The Sick Call Cabinet, by DREAMEND
my dear, I weep in sweet memories when you came to me like air
sweet fear, meeting like old enemies we're lovers supposed to share
I'm here, embrace me in your fantasies and let me love your once more
somehow we got seperated and maybe it was me
pushing you away in fear, in agony
in nihil thoughts and pride
you tought me alchemy
and what it wrong and what is right.
you have god's face drawn wihtin your name
there's no doubt you are the truth that I'm trying to obtain
I see them all luring in poses around your shine
adorning their depths with shallow grounds
"look at me, I create" they wrote on signs
they carry infront their chest and it sounds
like they forgot you who pulled us up on our feet
to look beyond what seemed horizon's limiting bounds
as the world does not end where sky and earth meet
and by curiousity we encountered there's so much to be found!
I love you, I dearly do, and now you've left me for so long
I was filled with juvenile pride, and faith I am it all
encountered the drought which will lead to you
this machinery is useless without your divine screw
I am vessel and fuel and almost all that it needs
but to grow and love it'll need your seed.
This time I do not want to share a poem or a thought, I want to write down a dream I had after two weeks of emotional struggle.
I dream a lot, intense and very often lucid. While being younger I suffered from terrible nightmares and night terrors, I have always dreamed of missions I have to accomplish and situations where I help others. My dreams usually involve animals, and the ability to speak with them. Often they do not appear in their natural size, such as elephants which fit on the palm of my hands, or fantasy animals I have never seen before while I am awake. This one I had last night left me with a strength and confidence I wouldn't have been able to accomplish by myself right now; and with a lot of confusion.
I find myself in a futuristic place of war. Chaos is everywhere, buildings are damaged and people are going berserk. Running and hiding, trying to get home I guess- I encounter a giant black and red coloured bull with golden horns. He's of the size of an elephant more or less. I was startled, but not scared, and lost all fear in the moment I realized that he was there to protect me. He came up to me in greatest trust and respect and told me to ride him. I do not recall his name, but a short conversation I had with him, asking if his name was Egon. He chuckled in disbelief and said: Of course not. He might have told me his name afterwards, but I can't recall. In one of the fights we got into he was injured, and in this moment an equally giant white lion appears with a golden mane. Just as the bull, I am not completely confident, but meet him in respect and trust, and so does he. We talk and I ride him, while he tells me his name: Refe'el. I wonder and ask him if Rafael and he corrects me: No, it's Refe'el. Refe'el and I have an incredible friendship, while I am nothing in size and power compared to him, I feel his trust and love surrounding me at all times, just as the bull's friendship. I know that he counts on me, but throughout the dream I do not understand which my mission is and how I am supposed to protect him as he's been protecting me.
I find myself in a place I call home in my dream, a place I have never seen in my life, but it's a house or a flat. I hear steps and meet two girls who in my real life have caused great damage to me, but one of them (still in real life) has tried to approach me after many years to apologize. I wonder what they are doing and see how they try to attack me with broken sticks which have pointy ends. I shout to the one who's been trying to gain my trust, asking what is going on and the two only laughed at me, saying I shouldn't trust anyone. I manage to escape and notice that many of the houses where my house is, have animals with golden features in the front porch (which are, like in Mexico, surrounded by a fence). I see huge stags with golden antlers, antilopes, felines... all kind of wildlife. I open some fences so they can escape and find a small baby fox with tiny little golden horns. I run to a house and find my grandmother who is not very fond of animals, but I ask her to take care of this one, as it is still very young and wouldn't be able to survive on his own. I explain to her that this one is a reborn spirit or angel, and as she is very religious she takes on this responsibility. I continue my quest of freeing the animals until I find a very young and small gazelle, again with small golden horns. As I pick it up I hear voices of threat behind me and I run up the porch (which was very steep) and try to hide in the soil, using my brown coloured dress as camouflage. I press my body and face against the ground and see a man with a rifle approaching and startle when I see that he notices me but ignored me on purpose by turning his back on me and telling the other people who were behind me that he couldn't see anything, it is than that I realize that I am being chased and that I have supporters among humans as well. I know that people are running around me and hear them saying: "is she the one with the golden heart?" "No it is her throat which is golden" "her tongue"... and so on, while I lie there I start to realize why I might be able to talk to the animals as I share a golden feature with them, but had to chuckle on the expression of "the golden heart". Suddenly one notices me and screams and I jump up as they start shouting orders of killing me, I kick them and shout: YOU WON'T SHOOT ME! Running down towards the street I see two magnificent large leopards, grey/white coloured with golden stains running towards me, and as I don't know them I startle, the first runs passed me and I feel that he's attacking my hunters while the other shouts at me to jump on, but I am so surprised that I miss and he has to take a turn and run back towards me so I can jump on him. As we are running a few blocks and he's telling me that they are here to protect me he suddenly slows down, as he's being in pain or having cramps and I ask him what is going on and he says that he doesn't know, but his body is not obeying. It is then that I notice a little arrow on this right back thigh close to my right leg. I rip it out of his skin and tell him to stop so I can suck out the poison. He refuses but I make him stop and start sucking out the poison, I can feel the bitter taste of the venom on my tongue, numbing my mouth and spit out and suck all I can, until I feel that we have stopped for too long, I carry him to a corner where he could be safe and have to continue to escape. I run down a big road cross, which is half destroyed and see dozens of people running behind me. Infront of me is a large fence which I am able to jump over and arrive in a barren field with a giant white turkey. During the dream I have lost shoes and my clothes are more rags than clothes. Someone attacks me and I find myself wrestling on the ground with this person (at this point the dream starts to get blurry) the turkey is making a scene, he’s not entirely happy to be there involved, but I sense his strong magic and although he didn’t seem to be very supportive he points out a pair of black/golden sneakers (which I have in real life) for me, so I can protect my feet.
The next scene is a ceremony, I am not directly involved so my guess is that it is my funeral, but the people are all dressed in beautiful colourful gowns – and this is where I wake up.
Although I am not entirely certain of the ending of the dream, it cheered me up more than anything else in the past few weeks.
Thanks for that Bull and Refe'el.
For the moment this day
has not offered any light
moments and spheres
I balance on my knees
and practice humble
I lack of fortune
but continue this
my song is lonesome
and tender kiss
a rare gift
inhale and sing them out
I've seen you before
and cast you away
I don't need you anymore.
how loss and past emerge
to one great pillar of weight
as the choirs pass and sing
Breathe and listen
as words are bare
and naked syllables
unless you sing
and sing along
and understand the depth
of this holy mantra.
waking in the mid of a second
splitting air and ears
I am in Mexico.
My country bleeds
out of every corner
but we got used to the sight of fate.
I walk upon these old streets
ever changing faster than my skin
in the light of the sun.
I remember these good days
when you drove me around and
you smiled when I sang out of tune
and sometimes well.
We miss a good leader
safety is rare
money comes in tight belts
but the mangos stay the same.
Por que no soy poeta
que la palabra ataca
pero no alimenta.
No soy poeta
de tus alientos
palabras de vez en cuando.
me ahogo en sentimientos
que intento dar color
un punto mal hecho
una rima perdida.
luchando con palabras
donde el puño no alcanza
a ver si un oido me escucha
e intenta de reconciliarse
con el corazon.
I am tired
and decided to drown
like my hands
are tied to time.
Drowning is to let go
inhale when it hurts the most
to go deeper than anyone else
and encounter demons never seen.
I swim against the stream
swallow rivers and creeks
my muscles hurt and bleed
I am ready to leave
this old place.
I know 'tis a tired day-to-day
swimming against the stream.
But all waters beauty wait for me
at the end of this journey.
I will end where no fish has ended,
at the beginning of all life.
Not on your plate
between your teeth
and some saliva.
I am an up stream fish
and die where I began
hundred and hundred
of days ago
never grew old
only wiser seeing everyone
pass, follow and die in vain.
I am tired
but I will only rest
the day I die
when the stream takes me
down it's rough path.
Here I am
And as happy I could dance
I have encountered you!
My dear oddness
my social awkward and fear
I have battled in these fields
and felt I can't do it.
Felt my knees shivering at the sight
there is again another idiot
trying to make me feel I am wrong.
I hold my own hands
as tight as I can
and smile my widest grin
I don't need rules for you
to judge who I am.
Here I am
I like strangers
but I truly love
to be surrounded
by my friends.
Then again, it was hard to find sleeping peace
with fire underneath those sheet
Hollywood is a cupcake factory
so lovely, but far too sweet.
I drew a rainbow face in memory of myself
as my hands are not skilled enough for shades
and enjoyed the madness when it came upon my throat
scream, yell, swear; my breath was midst a word spree.
Then again, it was hard to find sleeping peace,
when work is done
it is done
and I'm only left to play with dried saliva in my mouth.
I don't have a cat yet,
well, I doubt I ever will,
but started considering getting a turtle,
or something else which could be a witness.
We all look for this cupcake
which turns our nights into firy peace
our mouths into rainbows
and the breath into a spree.
I am bad at playing cool
I giggle when I like something
I am sarcastic at times
and when I am angry, I am truly angry.
Then again, it is hard to find sleeping peace
when I know I'd need a secretary
to record all my thoughts
between now and the moment I start dreaming.
I started writing letters to you
produce movies with elaborate dialogues and characters
wrote songs and poems
in my head
So many things I would like to say
but never had a breath
nor a brief moment
or even a glance to share with you
They tell to me fight
or let go
they tell me to distract
or focus on myself
and all these things I do
learning to accept
is the burial of hope
is the birth of
I wouldn't know
what ought to be born
as I would not dare to call it new
as it has always been me
I still write letters
and start with dear
and sometimes I am angry
but usually thrilled
being certain that this is it
but days or weeks later
I catch myself in slow motion
leading hand to heart
trying to hide the tremble
starting to loathe this moment
this bloody dear moment
when I lead your hand to my heart
to whisper these words
I might never say again.
And again we try to avoid
pathos and lethargy
And I follow the advice
in exactly this order
fight, let go, discract and focus
over and over again
just to realize that I could burn
the little remebrance
and let their ashes evaporate and disperse
into what we understand under eternity
unfortunately we do not understand eternity
at least not me
and I don't know where to put these ashes
as they keep floating around my head
keep on reuniting to new letters
all starting with dear and ending sincerly
and making me tremble
and then loathe again
and yes, I tremble
but feet stand firm
on a ground which shakier
would be difficult to find.
And then I tremble upon memory
empty vessels of long forgotten beats
this is gone, this is past
these ashes, these bloody old ashes
a smile got lost upon my lips
this little wrinkle almost forgotten
found its way back to my heart
I only tremble in joy and bliss.
Gone is what gone is
poems and movies might come
but they won't carry your name
I shared my breath with eternity.
(to Cecilia Bartoli)
You’re shaking my heart
I melt away and find myself at your feet
How furiously your lips shiver
Your chest invites me to rest
Hold on here, my beat just stood
For a brief moment I felt heaven came upon me
And loaded its weight into my veins
I would not dare to breathe just for you to breathe
Enough to inhale and exhale so you feed us with your
Tender and celestial tone
You’re shaking my heart
brava divina da capo
(here the lyrics and translation)
Armatae face, et anguibus
A caeco regno squallido
Furoris sociae barbari
Furiae venite ad nos
Morte flagello, stragibus
Vindictam tanti funeris
Irata nostra pectora
Duces docete vos
Armed with fire and serpents
From the dark and dreadful kingdom
You mad, savage companions
Furies come to us
With death the lash, and havoc
Teach us to avenge
the death of our leader
With our enraged feelings)
Your rudeness knows no boundaries
When I look at you, you don’t look back
And as I talk about you, you change the track
Your rudeness knows no bounds.
You don’t give me names, and forgot my face
Your memory is loss and void and nothingness
You forget so easily because it is easy for you
Your rudeness knows no bounds.
I can’t remember the smell of your hair
But I do remember how to play fair
I throw a ball and it bounces off
Your rudeness knows no bounds.
Your silence is the stuffing of the words I eat
My ears are starving for a sound they need
I walk along the bounds of your rudeness
And have many holes in my feet.
Your rudeness is a bound
Here I stop to make a sound.
I dug so deep I missed the gold
I dug deeper and saw the earth unfold
I dug to the deepest and found life’s mold.
I lost the shovel and dug with my hand
I lost the horizon from where I stand
I lost my country but I found new land.
I see where the sea kisses the sky
I see your lips and where the truth lies
I see the end and will still not cry
I stand with you but walk alone
When you arrive I’ll be long gone
If you look for me you’ll find me home.
This time I won't catch the ball
I see it's perfect shape
and bright colour
flying towards me.
But I won't catch it.
Sweaty hands and trembling feet,
I don't stand on the right position.
It might hit me on the head,
or pass through my slippery fingers,
I know I won't catch it.
As we played you and me,
we passed the ball to each other,
at times it was a perfect play
of give and take.
But you hit hard or to slow or not in my direction,
and I won't catch it.
Not this time.
We lost the game,
and I don't know if it is because of me, or you.
Eventually it won't matter,
the results speak for themselves.
A lost game this season doesn't make us losers.
Let's change strategy.
Es spukt ein Geist auf meiner Zunge
Erinnerung und atmen
Nichts ist so arg
Zeit verstreicht ungesehen am Herzen.
Es spukt ein Geist in meinen Naechten,
Wenn im Dunklen klar dein Gesicht erscheint
Und ploetzlich ein Haar mein Gesicht streicht
Und ich die Augen oeffne, ist da nichts als tiefe Nacht
Nichts als tiefe Nacht und sanftes Atmen.
Es spukt ein Geist in bestimmten Klaengen
Und schnuert mir alles zu
Verstehen ist vergessen wenn
Ich mich ueberzeugen muss dass es richtig war,
Loslassen und loszuziehen.
Es spukt ein Geist in meinem Haus-
Und veraendert alles Waende die ich kannte
in hoechster Anerkennung und Stolz eine Haelfte sein,
was gefunden moecht nicht mehr zurueck.
Es spukt ein Geist in meinem Gebet
In Hoffnung die Haende falten und klatschen
Er moege sich in Luft aufloesen.
Todo puede ser magico.
Momentos que son perfectos
Que se toman en su tiempo.
Todo puede ser adecuado
Y raro al mismo tiempo por ser tan perfecto.
Todo puede ser horrible pero no perder de belleza.
El tiempo a veces no importa,
Menos cuando esta feliz,
Y cuando se anhela,
Agarra sus formas mas poderosas.
El tiempo es algo magico.
Magico que pase,
Que nos deje olvidar.
Magico que pierde luz,
y se vuelve realidad.
Son los suenios mas verdaderos.
I've joined Twitter community. Join me :)
I am known for having very strong oppinions and my way to deal with people who care... lets say "less". Less about the general injustice towards the majority of our planet.
I have a problem with those, who believe that they have been given a natural higher right to be where they are. I have a problem with those who believe that I am a dreamer and being a dreamer is something bad.
People who strongly believe war is something necessary because it is the way it is, yes, realistically seen this is how the world rocks right now. But that doens't mean it must be rational. Because it is not.
It is not rational that we are told and forced to vote for political leaders who voluntarily put our nation and grandchildren into danger, who will spend our savings, misuse our taxes and send our youth to war. I disagree with those who say that history has shown that victory is for the ones who fight, because this is wrong and incorrect and very simply said just false. History has shown nothing. History neither in short or long term has shown who the true "winners" are. Ottoman Empire, Persian Empire, Chinese Empire, British Empire or even Roman Empire, all these historical winners ... well... are historical.
Being a dreamer or idealist does not mean I sit around in my room and play the Ukulele 24/7 even though I would like to. Being an idealist does not mean that I am scared of the world outside, the Real World, and its scary inhabitants. Being a dreamer does not mean that I reject to understand current rules and status quo. It means that i do BELIEVE that change is possible, that I BELIEVE in the power of good work and better ideas. I BELIEVE that nothing comes out of nothing, and good emerges of good, as bad emerges out of bad. I believe that the more we are working hard day by day with hands and tongue and good faith; the more likely will we accomplish our goal of a better world.
I am tired of people trying to wake me up. Only because of people who believe that they can change the world, the world has been a more bearable place.
We were born with rights and responsibilities. I had the rights/priviledge of a childhood, clean nature, parents, friends, exquisite education and a very loud voice. In turn to say thank you to the world and the universe and my parents I'll take my responsibilities to help those with less priviledges. This is how it SHOULD be. This is how I make my dream come true.
I am a Dreamer but I am not asleep.
A boomerang would have honoured my encounter with time and space
I came back, I came to tell you, I am back, I am here to strengthen your back
I have left where I was and came where you are to leave a trace
For what I came I still don’t know but here I am with wings on my face
For the sake of the blurring noise in my throat I released a sound familiar to your name
I’ve left the skies to be with you but when you’re around they just look the same
It’s this noise in my throat worrying me that I broke my wings and might fall again
It gurgled and fought with my pride, I can’t tell, I am back for you! Heavens, this is hell.
I remember well, I used to be surrounded by golden light and magic
And then when least expected it turns into greyish night and tragic
That magic is only for believers and dreamers but not for the ones who live
That I certainly am alive and have only one heart to give
So here we stand igniting the lights which illuminate our ways
But for the sake of mystery blowing every other out
We are better than magic, do you hear what I say?
As long as we keep the track and won’t let our hearts be filled with doubt.
Get a Job
Get an Internship
Write a Poem every 2 Weeks
More Tai Chi
Be a Good Girl (friend, daughter, partner and human)
Work Harder for Uni
the Steve Deal
Work on my Flaws.
These are my 12 New Year Resolutions.
The page has been narrowed down to a minimal of infomation.
Every piece on this webpage has been written by me. If there are any similarities with other pieces it is not on purpose.
If you want to use any of my poems, ask for permission and add credits as my Name: DaDari Julie Love or Darienne Julie.
Thank you and have a happy and healthy new year.
I have been standing here for days and have still to decide which turn to take
But the faster I go the slower I will leave
as life is a bird on my back and death is just a grief
I am not scared of what you call tomorrow or eternity
as where I come from the stars are my parents and the moon my nurse
and they taught me time is just a vessel like a poem or a hearse.
A vessel to put memories and hope and visions in
But they will break and vanish as the vessel expands.
Because for their cause is no reason and my family says:
I should feel, rather than wish - and do, rather than pray.
I was born godless; my father never claimed paternity on me
And my parents told me that there is not one father
But millions of which each has a wisdom to share.
I was born homeless; my mother never gave birth to me
And the nurse told me that I crawled out of a womb myself;
With nothing to fear, as I was naked and bare.
I have been standing here for days because even if ran I won’t move
I have been living here for eternity and have died a few times before
But time is what we take when we move in uncountable measure
But I take what I need and will not call it a vessel.
I will need, rather than want -and conquer, rather than claim.
And my parents told even if we picked colours they’ll all look the same,
That white and black are just varieties of grey and only light’s to be blamed
My parents taught me that only nature’s law applies-
To birth and death and all that in-between for what we call “life”.
A life to put love and gratitude, apology and pardon in
But they will evanesce especially the love when we forget one of them
My parents showed me light and what it brings
The shadows, the colours, the reflection of my wings
My nurse taught me to cherish each one of these things
As they’re not mine, nor mine to be taken or turned into me
That I can feel them and conquer but surely not claim
That I might need them and use them for keeping my way.
I have been standing here for days and my decision is yet to be done
Got rid of pride and doubt, strengthened my bones and encouraged my tongue.
I have been standing here for days taken breath after breath after breath
Screaming at my parents, that I am here for life and one day for death
That I am ready to go in any direction or pace
That I am ready to leave these vessels behind
Use the tools I’ve been taught to bequeath a trace
And be like I wished for ages at last a free mind.
For I will remember those who gave unconditional love
For I will forgive those who forgot to love for a few moments
For I will forget those who forgave themselves while forgetting what should be remembered.
For my love which is harsh and rough at times
For my anger which is soothed by reason
For my reason which is removed by passion.
For the truth and the lies which are painful at times
For the shelter and the storm which are good when needed
For the need we forget when we only seek wants.
For the man sitting by a pyramid pointing to heaven and saying that we are children of the stars
For the man sitting in a pub pointing to nowhere and saying that nothing is enduring
For the man sitting on the street pointing at me at saying happy birthday.
For a life I wish I could live but will never do
For the impossible I have never believed in
For the hope of infinite craving.
For the life which is much better in dreams
And the life which makes it hard to believe it is real
For what we call deserts and oceans and their reflection of the skies.
For the grain of sand I am
For the drop in the ocean you are
For the stardust we'll be born and die in.
feel me to the extend of my essence
call it soul or spirit or high above
as I reach for clouds and jump the fence
good men who love- have karmas of dove.
I did not expect you
to do anything.
I'm good at giving people a hard time
and I like it at occasions.
Pushing to the limit
just to regret it as we touch the abyss.
I've chosen my abyss and did not choose you.
And now you've chosen to leave.
I just wanted to let you know,
I learned a lot from you.
And a small little part of me,
hoped you might love me.
But then again,
I am a tiny tightrope dancer.
And maybe a small little part of me,
to wait down there when I'll fall one more time
and catch me instead of the ground.
You surprise me when you speak like I wanted you to speak
but you don't say the words I wished you have said.
Little boy my tiny old boy,
I wish we could dance together and suprise each other.
I expect nothing from you,
only a small part of me wishes some tiny little love.
A boat that floats on an invisible river
hasn't been seen yet, has not caused a shiver
memories of forgotten seconds between the sheets
of sweat, sweet heat, softly drumming heartbeat,
I could not tell you in words that this is it what I need-
showing you my palms, that I wanted you to read,
giving you some time, that we were supposed to keep,
a palsied, broken paddle, is what I finally received.
Oh dearest person, rivers carry foam,
a boat floating in nothingness, quickly will be drowned,
what really is and what we want, is truly not the same,
I kept reality - safe and warm in a glass bone broken frame,
notes, quotes, bloated words will never be first vote-
anyway I chose the boat instead of a firm road.
Los muros y las paredes cuentan historia,
hablan, ahí están.
Ventanas se cierran,
puertas se decoran,
pero las paredes ahí están, desnudas -
Mi querida Puta del mal,
me acerco a ti -con angustia y me sostienes,
te pinto un corazón al lado de la mancha que no sé identificar.
Vé, aquí te tatuaron frases de revolución y vida,
me perturbas, tanto muro, tanta pared, tanta reja.
Somos las mentes geniales de estos tiempos,
con el peso de miles de años pasados en los hombros,
y los deseos de los niños aún no nacidos,
caminando y tropezando.
Aún somos un charco en el desierto,
pero me acuerdo muy bien que la gota
en el océano no se culpa por ser océano.
Y somos gotas.
Y seremos gota constante,
y la última que rebasará la copa-
será la primera que derrumbará las paredes.
mein herz es bricht ganz langsam
zerfällt in deinen starren händen
wie trocknender sand
ich wünschte ich könnte trauern
und ertrinke in deinem schweigen
ich halte meine stirn anstatt deiner warmen hand.
die zeit sie quält mich sorgsam
reisst an jeder einzigen falte
und bringt mich schier
ich finde doch kaum worte
aber ein loch das kaum gefüllt werden kann
und du doch sollst zurück zu mir.
ich warte und darf es nicht
ich verschwinde aus deinem winkel
um meine freiheit zu taufen
du bist ein teil von mir
und muss mich hiermit amputieren
und kann trotzdem nicht von dir laufen.
This little spitting shitting slug
muscles around and inside my mouth-
Kiss it under peril.
Another yet so brave-hearted
screams for liberty and love oh no,
it ain't livin' alone.
Forgot the howl and moon is shining,
heart's broken- brain's dining
what past's brought.
There is no memory worth to remind,
and no future close enough to be dreamed of,
I forgot these old words
and found some new ones for ya,
receive a new tongue.
Kiss it under peril,
I will never get used to not loving you,
my heart felt so comfortable in your love.
I know we were stupid,
young loving idiots, and no passion for patience.
I was complete at your side and was proud.
perfection is fiction
Memories are good to me,
I sleep with them at night,
touch their soft and tender skin,
enter them let'em enter me.
My breath sends a spell for you,
over the moon and back to your heart-
a spell for wounded lovers.
I don't get used to not loving you,
and I don't blame us for being,
such young stupid lovers,
with no passion for patience.
I will get used to missing you,
but I will never get used to not loving you.
walking can be painful,
when I feel I should stay.
that I know my feet remember,
all paths I have taken
and sometimes I wish I didn't.
I have been too lazy,
procrastination as a constant companion.
but the sitting trained my bum,
just in case I fall again.
Words are my play
lips my actors
my tongue the stage
I wish they'd had a good memory
so it would be easier to say sorry sometimes.
And I wish it'll be worse,
so i'll forget your kisses.
I have one big muscle,
scattered, scarred, scared.
I wish it could forget,
more than it can remember.
And there's the original one,
the master of y'all,
oh pretty mollusk,
witty, gritty, bitty, shitty brain.
Please stop thinking.
La vida me infecta,
se me inyecta,
se me viene y se me va,
parfois je l'aime - parfois pas.
El rojo me tatua,
la vida por el cuerpo,
me hace reconocer
lo que 'ta mal - lo qu'es cierto.
Lo que 'ta loco,
Lo que 'ta sano,
léeme la mano.
Y te la leo,
Paz y Salud te deseo!
porque me gusta lo que veo.